The mystery

You think you know about love: through parents, your spouse, your children, dear friends.  But then grandchildren come along and you love with a joy that you did not even know you had inside. One that is much larger than you ever thought possible. And the second one comes along, and you just believe you don’t have room in your heart to feel the same way.  But you do…. And your heart grows even larger than you ever could imagine.  And then comes the third…………..(in NOV!) I think there is a mystery in that…..discovering something inside that was previously hidden. Einstein, a pretty smart guy, said that the most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. There has been a great mystery progressing over this past year as interferon invaded my life.  How can such an arduous treatment deliver a depth of emotions that is foundationally joy? How is it that “losing” a year rewards you with an unequalled gain? How can distress that arrives day after day result in comfort far beyond the expected?  These are mysteries that have repeated themselves throughout this journey. And now, that journey has ended.  HALLELUIA!!  That might bear repeating, HALLELUIA!!! The last injection has been administered; the syringes and vials tossed in a ceremony of sorts, and in the coming week, the spiteful side effects will diminish…..and will one day disappear.  That in itself causes great rejoicing!!!!  Yet, in the midst of the cheering, the mystery of all that has happened remains and I don’t think it will vanish. No, it will continue as a thread binding me to that same power that opens my heart in unknown ways. I am reminded of the story of Joseph, Jacob’s favored son, who was given the esteemed rainbow coat from his adoring father, creating immense jealousy between himself and his eleven brothers.  Here is sibling rivalry at its worst:  the irate brothers threw Joseph into a pit and then sold him into slavery, and they allowed their father to believe that Joseph had been killed.   I might have been a little upset with my brother or sister for that.  However, many years later, as Joseph stood before these same brothers, who were prostrate in fear and guilt over what they had done to him, he spoke of the mystery of his heart “Don’t be afraid.  Am I in the place of God?  You intended this to harm me but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done.” (Gen 50:20) So therein is the rugged hope that is the foundation underneath this past year.  We will not escape distress or peril or suffering or pain, but the Almighty God will make every one of our agonies an instrument of his mercy to do us good. How is it that agony is molded into hope by a belief of what that passage says? By living it each day for a year: and what was a mystery becomes a truth. Not growing up in a city of skyscrapers, the sight of dramatically towering buildings pushing towards the sky will always hold some wonder for me.   I don’t know anything about building a skyscraper, but my VERY limited knowledge of engineering would prove that the larger the building, the bigger the foundation needs to be.  When it comes to the architecture of promises, there is not a bigger skyscraper than  Romans 8:28. This structure is absolutely staggering in its size. It is massive. "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."  “ALL” is all inclusive.  There is nothing that exists …no hardship, nor pain, nor wretched days that is not in that circle of promise.   Living inside this massive promise is as solid as it gets. The infinitely wise, infinitely powerful God pledges to make everything beneficial for His people! Not just nice things, but horrible things…..especially the horrible things.  But what if they last for 20 years, as they did for Joseph and Jacob? Who could have convinced Jacob that grieving the loss of his son for 20 years was for good?  Yet, God did show Jacob that very thing.  And what if calamities strike one after another after another.  Read the entire story of Joseph and you find the answer to that mystery. And so it is with every misfortune of those who love God.   His sovereign grace transposes it for good. I don’t think anyone escapes “the huffing and puffing that tries to blow our houses down.”  Yet, nothing can blow you over inside the walls of this Romans passage.  “Outside all is confusion and anxiety and fear and uncertainty and straw houses of deadening drugs and tin roofs of retirement plans and cardboard fortifications of anti-ballistic missiles and a thousand other substitutes for Romans 8:28.”  Walk through the door of this Scripture, however, and you walk through a door constructed in love.  Into your life stability and peace and freedom are assembled.  You simply can't be blown over any more. The confidence that a sovereign God governs for your good all the pain and all the pleasure that you will ever experience is an absolutely incomparable refuge and security. I did not triumph over the harsh treatments of this past year…..but instead, I was the beneficiary of this foundational promise.  God triumphed for me.  He called me into this mystery, and made it a certainty.  I knew I would LOVE my children and grandchildren.  But the abundance of that love was the mystery that I could not have fathomed.   I KNEW God loves me…..but the mystery of how much has become clearer over this past year…. squarely in the central heart of the worst.   That rings a bell, like it did with Job who uttered the tangible words,   'I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.”  “In accordance with the riches of God’s grace, that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding, and He made known to us the mystery of His will according to His good pleasure, which He purposed in Christ.” (Eph1: 9-10)  Or from the Message, “He thought of everything, provided for everything we could possibly need, letting us in on the plans he took such delight in making. He set it all out before us in Christ, a long-range plan in which everything would be brought together and summed up in him, everything in deepest heaven, everything on planet earth.” And so, I can say, HALLELUIA that this past year has come to a close. Yet, I can also say beyond a skinny sliver of doubt, HALLELUIA for the mystery of how something so difficult can become such a deep blessing.  Could I do it again?  I don’t need to run ahead, for God’s grace “does not follow us into our imaginations, but it is there when we need it.”  But yes, I will walk through that door of love any time.

Plans

Years ago, Chip and I had the occasion to be in Hong Kong.  It’s vibrancy was matched by an exotic sort of chaos, delivered by its 7 million inhabitants vying for crowded spaces amidst its mountainous terrain.  Kowloon, the mainland territory, is hemmed in by China, soaring peaks, and one of the busiest ports in the world. Hong Kong island, a short boat ride across the channel, along with several other islands, make up the remainder of the city.  The tall corporate skyscrapers exist in close proximity to the colorful markets, each street more crowded than another. We were exploring the island, waiting for the train trolley that stretches across the city while being jostled by the surrounding swarms.  As the train pulled to the stop, I hopped on quickly, not realizing that Chip was not “hopping” with me. Oops!   As the doors closed automatically, and the train sped off, I turned to see him standing on the sidewalk with a look of surprise on his face.  He had the money, I had the maps, & without the other, we were lost.  Quite abruptly, we wished we had “Plan B.”

I do enjoy making plans: there is anticipation and a strong satisfaction in seeing days and weeks ahead “mapped out” in orderly fashion, as well as the expectation of promise.  Viewing entries on our calendar might even lend themselves to validating our value, as if establishing future footholds secures what is ahead and our ability to control it.   Over this past year, I have learned that “Plan B” is when those footholds are no longer there: the treatment erases them.  Events and arrangements collapse more than materialize, and hesitancy replaces certainty.  Existing in a realm where each hour might differ dramatically from the last dulls the stability of finite schedule, as determining plans become a minefield of unknowns.  The word “cancel” becomes much too familiar. 

Not a new discovery, but an affirmed truth, is that God has had “Plan B” all along.  Probably His most well-known dialogue in which we find such assurance of His guarantee is with Jeremiah.  “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”  Wow!  that sounds excellent now, but imagine how it sounded to the Jews who had been in exile and bondage in Bablylon for DECADES!  Such a promise from the God who cannot lie!  Yet the next few verses have even more potential: “Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you, declares the LORD, and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”  Here is eternal hope wrought out, prepared, defined and promised. What a pledge of: “I’ve got you covered.”  Cancer, treatment, & “what happens next” can create an atmosphere lacking in footholds, parched by unknowns and even packed with a little fear to make things interesting.  It can feel like exile: a captivity where one can so easily lose the promise that entries on a calendar, fellowship with dear ones, and formless future can create.  Although it might feel like temporary banishment,  it is rock solid in its outcome.  “He will bring us back” from where we have been carried by the promise of all God’s gracious purposes and designs: His Son.  This is the end “hoped for, waited for, and expected by faith.”  That is a Plan B I can rest in beyond a sliver of doubt. I will continue to make plans and will be grateful for the ones that occur.  Yet I pray not to lose sight that Plan B will always be the better one as “Many are the plans in the mind of man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand,” (Prov 19).  As this truth is echoed throughout Scripture,  “The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord…The heart of man plans his way but the Lord establishes his steps," (Psa & Prov 16)  it brings me to the place where I can say with unshakable assurance, with no fear of being lost, “Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders you have done.  The things you planned for us no one can recite to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.”   Meanwhile, I am so touched and affected by the multitude of you who respond with such patience and care in this zone of planning disability! Your continued prayers surround Chip and I and maintain through God’s grace all the goodness these days have to offer…..even in the face of deeply quiet times.  Thank you!

Words

Have I mentioned my granddaughters?! They communicate such a broad spectrum of joyful emotions! At the moment, we are entertained by Charlotte’s ability to talk and talk and talk, as well as Annelise’s growing vocabulary: mamama, dadadada, babababa!  I am sure she said “quack quack” a few days ago as we were reading a book about ducks….such an accomplishment!

Ways to communicate when speech is not possible, the ability to form words, express them, understand them, is a rich blessing.  But “words” arrive in many forms.  Early in my twenties, I accompanied four 11-year olds to a kibbutz, where we spent a month with 12 other “delegations” of nationalities.  Although English was the designated language, many children at that age had little, if any, grasp of our native language.  I marveled throughout that 4 wks as I watched the children make indelible friendships outside of speech.  Their speech became clear through their actions:   what they did, how they reacted and treated one another.  They were fluent in a deeper language.

When we were in college, someone asked Chip what my interests were and he answered “talking.”  Hmmmmm…..at least he knew what he was getting himself into when he asked me to marry him months later!  I have found that the interferon treatment brings a veil of vagueness over clear thought, concentration & memory.  The abundant resources that arrived with the treatment call this “chemo brain,” or more kindly, “mild cognitive impairment,” and direct the patient to not be concerned, as it usually diminishes when treatment ends. However, it IS concerning when it is your mind in which it is happening!  There is an unforeseen fatigue in chasing words around the alleyways of grey matter, or locating a thought that disappeared into the fog…..as if molasses had replaced whatever WAS there!  Multi-tasking, planning, decision making, all recede to a sluggish crawl.  The down side is that though there is a greater abundance of time to communicate, to share, to interact, speech produces unfamiliar hurdles and detours.  On difficult days, words often decelerate into 33rpm, like an errant record player that is turning too slowly.

How do you begin to make sense out of what can be senseless, or understand when there is little clarity? Or “hear” clearly through the haze?  I believe you lean on and into the only Word that continues to be understandable…..in a language that stands up against murkiness & uncertainty.

John articulates both the mystery and finite reality of this Word; the fixed and solid framework on which we rely as all other structure loses its shape.     “¹In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. ² He was with God in the beginning. ³ Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. ⁴ In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind.”  William Barclay states, that “Jesus is none other than God’s creative and life-giving word: He is the power of God which created the world, as well as the reason of God which sustains the world…..and He has come to earth in human bodily form.” As the mind of God became flesh, a person, His son,  “Jesus opened a window in time that we might see the eternal and unchanging love of God. “  As our own words attempt to explain what is in our minds to others, so was the Son of God sent in order to reveal His Father’s mind to the world.....and there is a fluency in the language that resounds in the depth of our hearts.  The love behind that “speaks” to me, regardless of how elusive words and thoughts become.  It conveys an unyielding certainty that no matter to “where” my own words might disappear, there is one True Word which never vanishes. 

John continues in verse 14: (from the Message): ¹⁴The Word became flesh and blood,
      and moved into the neighborhood.
   We saw the glory with our own eyes,
      the one-of-a-kind glory,
      like Father, like Son,
   Generous inside and out,
      true from start to finish.

In that truth is a clarity which brings light into each day…..breaking through the fog.  I welcome the words that bring me the comfort, [“When your words came, I devoured them, they are my joy and my heart’s delight, for I bear your name, O Lord God,” (Jere. 15)] as well as strengthened by the power behind them,[ “consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word about Christ. (Rom 10)]

I am also convinced that there is such power in the prayers that you share…..the cards that you send, the messages, the food,  the kindness, the care: as each becomes an uplifting expression that translates love.  I am grateful for the days when energy and clarity bring the gift of communication, speech, and cognizance…..as well as the sustaining grip of the Word that is present in the hazy ones! I appreciate the patience that is evident in the “hibernation days,” as well as the fellowship in the others! Though I might not relish what each day  brings, I savor what each day SAYS!

Shock treatment

Those who have experienced shoulder, knee or back surgery might have been prescribed the use of a rather small device known as a TENS unit.  Designed to elicit electrical pulses, it is attached via several electrodes which adhere to the skin, and can be dialed to the appropriate intensity.  At its highest level, the current can produce such shocks that muscles involuntarily twitch and jump…..as if your leg is doing the salsa, but not by your command….sort of a bizarre response which you somehow can’t resist repeating!  Working on the central nervous system, the electrical current promotes healing and inspires the muscles to regenerate, as they contract in reaction to the jolt.   Additionally, the “stun gun” acts as a method of side-tracking surgical pain as it redirects the signal through our body’s pathways.

Since returning from Israel and Jordan, the re-established treatment has rendered its own “shock therapy.” Physically, there is an elated encouragement from how quickly the body responds to halting the interferon; within three to four days, you wake up to an exhilarating absence of side effects.  However, its re-introduction startles your system into a range of multi-level reactions.  IFNs, (interferon) are naturally produced proteins that our bodies release in response to the presence of any pathogens….virus, bacteria, tumor cells.  They attack these intruders with an impressive force.  (Sure wish hot fudge & French fries had this same effect!)   The synthetic injections launch an army of this protein that triggers the same protection and resistance…..but with much more punch.  With its hammering clout, comes its healing power…………and therein lies the hope of its end results.  

The Holy Land is a “shot in the soul,” eliciting its own range of multi-level responses.  “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has perceived what God has planned for those who love Him” is a verse that resonated repeatedly…throughout each day of our visit.  Here, God’s Love is poured out historically, visually, and spiritually like an electrical current with maximum amps that no breaker can extinguish. The beautiful plan that a loving Father instigated from the beginning unfolds with every stop and step.   To stand where Moses saw “the promised land,” to walk where Joshua marched, to see where Elijah ordained the weather,  to touch the wall of the temple mount, remembering God’s restoration, bids an overwhelming revival.  His promise through the centuries becomes even clearer: He continuously offered renewal to those whom He loved, to those who repeatedly forgot Him.  This week we observe His greatest shock treatment: the unforgettable sacrifice of His Son.  “For God so loved the world that”….He was silent when His Son asked for an alternative. The Son whose birthplace, childhood, ministry, miracles & ultimately death were played out on the ancient streets and shores that we visited.  The Son who, in the Garden of Gethsemane, where we sat one beautiful morning, prayed into the night in great anguish, “and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.” Jesus knew “that the hour had come to depart out of this world,” to face the agony and suffering of the cross.  “He set His face towards Jerusalem,” “ laying down His life of His own accord.”  Yes, He could have called in an earthquake, or His own army of Goliath-like angels brandishing lasers, but He took the punch for those He loves.   Who can imagine the gravity of His staggering knowledge, not just the anguish of His death, but the separation He endured as He received His Father’s wrath.  The pain was re-directed from each of us to Him.

Isaiah’s words serve as the prose of what is so stunning…..”But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds, we are healed.” (Isa 53:5)  The intensity of that Truth surges victoriously through me…..it is His work on the Cross that has healed me.  It is His suffering that eases and re-directs these days from intolerable to regeneration and goodness.   It is His sacrifice that reminds me that my personal “Gethsemane” has already been redeemed…..and renders this time one of restoration and hope. 

He LOVES us to death……His own.  The shock value of that is eternal.

Chip and I continue to be overwhelmed and intensely grateful for the current of prayers and care that have flowed towards us non-stop.  The energy of renewal arrives each time it is most needed.  Especially uplifting is the timing of a monumental pilgrimage, shared with dear family members, occurring exactly half-way through this treatment!