The Real Deal

Four weeks, twenty eight days, one month:  A segment of time that arrived with a multitude of unfamiliar afflictions in both severity and steadiness. The fevers, headaches, nausea have been accompanied by a profound sensitivity to light and sound, affecting the ability to read, converse, and at times, even think.  This last week has been particularly fierce with short forays away from what has become a safe haven: my bed.  I hesitate to describe the harshness of what the hours have brought, as if the tenor of each day was colored solely by the tone of such intensity.  Yet, the blunt reality is that an element of these days has afforded me an even clearer vision of who God is, and the security in the joy of His presence.

Wrestling with the honesty of not giving up hope, pressing away the fears, searching for solace in the dark, quiet hours: I have not been alone.  In the rawness of each moment exists the Sovereign Father who will not let me go. Regardless of the depth of the darkness, He is Light. In the booming noise of pain, He IS the sound of sheer silence that brings peace.  Not a vacant hope, but an expectant assurance that He WILL answer. 

Jesus’ brother, James, opens his letter with the gritty advice of “considering it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds…..”  For most of us, “Pure joy” is most likely pretty far down the list of reactions to pain and suffering.....maybe even at the bottom of the list. Certainly sounds counter-intuitive!  But without the trials can we even begin to recognize the depth, or begin to grasp the love that is poured out for us.  Christ willingly submitted to a suffering that is beyond my imagination….so that I would not face this alone.  The confidence of comprehending that truth IS the joy that cannot be diminished by any amount of adversity.

The next phase of the Interferon treatment is eleven months of self-injections, three times a week, about half the dosage as what the infusions have been.  I don’t know what to expect; the effects and their gravity remain unclear.  But I am certain of the promise of Psalm 16: “You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.”

It is a good path, and the joy does not disintegrate with the difficulties. I am so vastly grateful for all those who are enabling the blessings through prayers and countless kindnesses!